脫掉面具

脫掉面具
─ 2009年5月3日

熱情浪漫的恰恰舞曲震天價響，俄羅斯老師聲嘶力竭，錫東和我賣力的手舞足蹈。才十幾分鐘課程早已揮汗如雨，手忙腳亂的踩著拍子，好不容易跟上音樂，奧林匹亞訓練選手出身的Radu老師在一旁大吼大叫，「表情！表情！」，趕緊擠出一絲微笑，「不對，不對，不是這樣」，換個情緒，再擠出另一絲笑容，「不對，不對」。重重複複，可以想到的表情全用上了，老師還是不滿意，大吼，「我不要看到面具，給我真正的妳！靈魂，靈魂！沒有靈魂，不是舞蹈！」

習舞十二年，恰恰早就不是新花樣，但碰上這個老師，要達到他奧林匹亞的標準，簡直是難如登天。老師還在大吼，我只想到「面具，脫下面具」，這個戴了幾十年的面具如何脫得下來呢？

幾十年的禮教束縛，我們早已將自己的靈魂鎖在軀殼裡，什麼是兩性關係？什麼是舞蹈？什麼是真我？一次聚會朋友說：「我念大學的時候，在教室後面跟班上一位女生討論班刊，正好校長經過，第二天竟然被老師叫去談話?.」另一個朋友說：「我念大學的時候，談戀愛是違反校規的，是與偷竊同罪會被開除?.」又一個朋友說：「大一的時候，我被教官叫去問話，為什麼有男生寫信給我？我告訴教官那是大我三歲的舅舅，教官臭罵我強辯，上次是表哥這次是舅舅，最後只好拿身分證出來證明?」另一個朋友說：「大學裡開舞會，警察來了，把所有學生載到派出所，通知家長領回，還好我趁著一片混亂溜走?.」。我們笑到流淚，這些講故事的人現在都是各行各業的菁英，但過去人們對兩性關係與舞蹈的認知是如此的被扭曲，不過這就是我們成長的過程。

教室裡音樂繼續響著，老師繼續吼著，我決定回去發個簡訊告訴他：「請不要叫我脫下面具，拿下這戴了幾十年的面具，我會手足無措的」！

Taking Off The MASK
May 3, 2009

In the studio, the Cha Cha music was playing loudly; Radu, our teacher was barking the beats madly; Shyi-Dong and I were twisting and twirling wildly. Out of breath, we finally could follow the music. The Olympic trained teacher Radu barked: ?Expression! Expression!? I squeezed out a smile and continued with my steps. Radu snapped: ?No, not that kind of smile!? I tried again. Radu roared: ?No, I don?t want to see a mask. Show me your true feelings, passionate feelings!? I was stuck. What are my true feelings? How could I show passionate feelings?

Growing up in a very conservative society, I have learned how to hide all my feelings. Smile was my way of pleasing people because it never failed. Shyi-Dong and I have been taking dance lessons for over 12 years; Cha Cha is just a piece of cake for us. However, Radu is really tough. He can?t stand watching us just shake our bodies or wave our arms; he wants MORE. Something more than what we can do!

Stepping to the music, I couldn?t control my thoughts which brought me back to a friends? gathering. One friend said: ?One day when I was in college, the President of the school happened to pass by our classroom when I was discussing the yearbook with a girl classmate. On the following day, I was summoned to the office?? The other one said: ?When I was in college, dating offended the school rules. The students would be kicked out of the school because it was as severely punished as stealing?? The third one said: ?When I was a freshman, the school superintendent questioned me about why there were boys writing letters to me? I told him the letters were from my uncle who was three years older than me. The superintendent got very mad because he believed that I was lying. He questioned why I said the letter was from my cousin the last time and it became my uncle this time? I ended up showing the superintendent my ID to prove it?..? The fourth one said: ?One day when my class was holding a dance party, the police came and arrested all the students; brought them to the police office and informed the parents to take them home. I was smart, I sneaked away quickly.? Listening to all the stories, we laughed till our tears dropped. All those people have become leaders in their professions, but the perception of love or dance was badly distorted when we were young. The stories explained how we grew up.

The music is still playing loudly; Radu is still bellowing at the top of his lungs; I have decided to go home and send him a text message: ?Please don?t ask me to take off my mask. I will feel naked.?